Monday, June 09, 2008

Love, Fate.

A few days back, I exchange stories with a buddy of my 'bout our love life. He told me how he got to know his current girlfriend from seemly no connection with her. From a series of fated event, they got closer and eventually, become lovers.

His story is like plots from novels and movies. Simple, yet touching and sweet. I'm also an acquaintance of his girlfriend and I feel he has found his soul mate. Not only they have the "connection" with one another, she is also very nice and caring girl. You lucky son of a bitch! You have hit the motherlobe of nice girls, I thought to myself. But really, I am genuinely happy for him.

'So how about you? With So many girls in your course, why you still single?' He asked me with a smirk on his face.

That was very good question.

It's not that I did not try. My recent dates and attempts that I had were not very successful. One of the reasons is that I can't really maintain to conversation. It's not that I can't talk. I do fine in a group and during presentations. But when it comes to one on one, I seems to become introvert. Other reasons include not observant enough, not gentlemen enough, so on and so forth. I feel that my main hurdles are nervousness and uneasiness. Whenever I go on a date, I become nervous and uneasy.

So I guess that makes me the Average Frustrating Chump.

When I told my friends 'bout my 'escapades', they will go 'Oh RX! You should have know!' or 'Man RX! you should have notice!'. Some will say,'Maybe you fate haven't come yet.'

Fate...

I did get close to have a girlfriend a coupe of times. But there's one woman that left an unforgettable mark on me.

A friendly and sociable person, she is soft spoken yet bubbly at the same time. She is those that are popular among the guys. At first, I didn't really think we will talk much as I am introvert back then. Our clique were also different. We began to talk more to each other during an oversea trip and from then, we kept constant contact.

There was once we hung out together in our old campus. She wanted to pass me a box of green bean cake she bought from her trip to Penang. We meet at her school's canteen around late evening. We chatted 'bout her trip and other stuff for a while. At the back of my mind, I kept wondering whether she had any boyfriend before as she always told us she doesn't had any.

'Can I ask you a question? Do you had boyfriend before?' I asked her.

'Why do you ask this question?'

'Well, you are an attractive girl and I find it a bit hard to believe that you don't have any before.'

She went silent and pondered on how to answer my question for a while before replying me.

'You know... There's fine line between friendships and...'

Before she could finished, she broke in tears. I was stunt. Not knowing what to do, I gave her my pack of tissue and let her have some moment. After awhile, she managed to get hole of herself. She told me she had this 'special friend' for some time now. But recently, their relationship went in a turmoil. It seems that the guy can't let go of his ex-girlfriend.

Not long after our meeting, she broke off with him. Like all 'nice guy' out there, I gave her support and lend her my listening ear. As time passed by, our friendship grew. We talked about almost anything. It feels like we have the "connection" between us. At times, we could chat on the phone throughout the night. Sometimes I'll even sing to her over the line. At times, I thought that I might have a chance with her. But I lacked the confidence to bring our relationship one step further. I always thought that I not good enough for her and that she wouldn't like someone like me.

After dragging for a long time, I've finally missed my chance.

One day, I chanced upon her hugging a guy. I tried to remain indifferent and greeted them. At that moment, my life seems to crumble around me... Okay, that's a bit exaggerated but that's somehow what I felt then. I was depressed and angry. Amidst my anger, I blamed her for leading me on. In my heart, I accused her of giving me false hope. But after the anger subside, I felt empty. I thought to myself that it is I alone were to be blamed. I blamed myself for being the gutless guy I was. That I did not cherish the chance given to me.

My failure in this relationship clung onto me for nearly 1 year before I could let go of the whole thing.

Right until now, I have yet being so close to anyone other than her. Maybe the real reason for my singlehood is that I'm still looking for someone with the "connection" like her. Someone like my buddy and his significant other, that fate will intertwine the two of us together. According to a Feng Shui master, he predicted that my serious relationship with women only starts at the age of 28. If it's true, that will be another 3 years of singlehood!!!

Bummer...

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